ZackSaint.com

I was just reading Esther’s entry again. I love it. It really helps me look to my future in Heaven with Zack. I feel a renewed sense of hope. The screensaver on my computer is a slide show of Zack. Sometimes when I sit and watch it, I don’t believe he’s gone. It doesn’t seem possible. I mean, how could that be, how does someone just leave? Sometimes my head just doesn’t understand what my heart is feeling. Whenever those times of disbelief come, right after comes the memory of Zack in the hospital taking his last breath. I just sit and I remember. I remember his pain and sleepless nights. I remember his pills and IV bags. I remember his hallucinations and night sweats. But through all those terrible and hurtful things comes my favorite memory. A couple of hours before Zack died, we sang him How Great Thou Art. And as we sang, I could see him singing through his oxygen mask, and then he lifted his hand to the Lord.
Zack has fulfilled his life here on earth and has done everything that God has asked of him. Now it is my turn. Ever since Zack went into the hospital I have been doing a lot of thinking about my own life. Zack was a witness even when he wasn’t talking about God or going on mission’s trips. He was a witness in his everyday life. You knew what Zack was all about just by talking to him. He didn’t have to say anything about God, you just knew. There was something different about him, something wonderful and lovely. I have made a promise to God and to Zack that I would be like that. I have made a promise that my life would be a witness, even in the little things. I have made a promise that will be a lot of work. I have made a promise that will take time. But I know that with God’s help I can do it and I challenge
you to let God shine in your life.
I want to thank everyone for their prayers and cards. It had been a tremendous help. Like Esther said, sometimes they seem so real I could touch them. I am so thankful that all of you would pray for my family. What have we done to deserve the prayers from people we do not even know? It is amazing how God’s love works, and how his love can shine through his people.
My family has been shown so much love, so much of God’s love. We have been clinging to that love and I am very thankful for all of you that are showing us this love. Sometimes when I am crying I can feel the warmth of those prayers and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for them.

In Bible study we spoke about why God gives us weakness. As we spoke about weakness I realized something wonderful. Throughout these past months, especially since Zack died, I have felt weakness. I felt that there was nothing I could do for Zack physically. I couldn’t heal his pain. I couldn’t give him platelets or blood. I couldn’t help him sleep better. I couldn’t take away the hallucinations. I couldn’t make him feel good enough to eat. That had been my feeling of weakness, now that feeling has changed a little. Now I feel weak without him, and I feel weak because I cry when I think about him. I feel weak because I don’t know how to go on without him.
I feel weak because I don’t want to do anything but think about him. But that wonderful thing that I realized during Bible study has helped me so much. This is what I realized: One reason that God gives us weakness is so that we will cling to him with our every being. I love the feeling of leaning on my God and knowing that he is the only one that can heal my broken heart. On February 3rd, at 3:15, God broke my heart. As the days go by and I go through a roller coaster of emotions, I have learned one very important lesson.
God may have broken my heart, but he is the only one that can heal it.
If you are questioning God’s love and strength, I urge you to read the book of Psalms. I have been reading it for the past several weeks and the verses of God’s love and protection have been standing out clear as day. God’s protection is clearly evident in the pages of this wonderful book. I urge you to read of His love and praise Him for his protection.